Numb

That is how I feel most days

Numb nothing turns my crank, nothing pisses me off

Nothing affects me. Nothing motivates me.

I do things because I know they must be done.

I do them well because I know I must.

That being said a few snapshots into my live this past week

Without going all Sci-Fi in this post an old star trek movie was on TV the other night and I watched a bit of my youth pass before my eyes as I viewed a 20 year old movie for the first time 15 years. With the old age (and not watching the movie messed up with friends) I saw the characters for what they were – representions of the various aspects of who we are. Our fears, our strengths, our flaws, our humanity.

What star trek character are you? Spock? Kurt? Or are you someone more fun like Bones, Scotty, or are you from the new show and are more complex?

I want to be the captain (either one – new or old star trek) – full of passion, confidence – I like to hope I once was like that. But now I think I am more like Spock then any of them and that disappoints me.

I want to be more then what I am…. Logic is an effective way to live ones life but were is the fun in being effective? Where is the fun in being average? Where is the fun in living when you are not fully experiencing things.

But here is the thing - I am surrounded with opportunities to truly experience the more interesting things but they don’t interest me. they don’t motivate me.

I want to move, I want to see new things, I want try new things, I want my life to be full of fun and exciting stories to share.

I want to be the captian

I dont want to be numb

HNT- don’t know what it is? google it.

HNT, if you don’t know what it is google it.

to all the other HNTers, I have been looking at your photos w/ envy…. your courage to expose yourself is inspiring (and a little terrifying).

reading ELLE’s blog post (www.kinkunleashed.com) about not bringing a computer somewhere for fear of others learning what she does for fun…. that fear of being found out…. that anxiety of leading a double life… what you (we) do… is it normal or have we just found a cyber support group?

she loves the attention it brings, she is motivated by the attention, she is empowered by the attention, she is addicted to the attention that comes from people, other people, strange people, ammoniums people telling her that she is attractive, sexy, hot.
the life style I enjoy, but this exhibitionism? i don’t understand it

Poker

everyone is doing it

or so i find as i read the world of aduterer blogs.

if everyone esle is so ready to do this.... risk so much for the feel of a new body next to theirs... put all that they have on the table as they play poker... why am i not stiting at the table...why are my cards not in the game....

I have been invited to the table but never paid the anti....
I have been handed a pack of cards and told to find a game and start playing with out any high stakes...
And yet I do not pick up the cards. I know where the games are played I just have no interest in playing with the people at the table.

The reality is I much rather watch late nite poker on tv/web then find a local game to join in on.

Yet so many people I know are playing local poker..... why cant I.

Is this sustainable?

It is official, I am not an adulterer.

Not from lack of trying….. I made it my challenge to see if I could use this past weekend in a hotel as a personal test of my will and desire to fuck others.

I can blame the situation, I can blame the people I was with, I can blame everyone and everything else but the reality is that I was alone, in a big city with a nice hotel room and the flexibility to go out and look for trouble.

If I wanted it I could have found it…. But instead I did some half ass attempts and did not do anything worth writing about.

She was also out this weekend, and she did not do anything (well she did have more fun and does have some good stories to read) but only out of respect for me.

Another night in a Hotel alone

With all the travel of late I have been trying to explore the swinger life style… but man it is just not appealing.

CL and the other websites are just not doing it for me…. I write to these women (I hope they are women) and get a few replies that are not fake or sp’s looking for work.

But it is all just so desperate and unappealing.

I read these peoples emails to me and I have no motivation to write back to them

This is just not for me…. it am all talk
“ yes I want to have an open relationship”
“ it dose not bother me that you are sleeping with others”
“ I hope to sleep with someone else soon.”

All BS lines I tell myself to justify our situation.

I want to want to have sex with other people but the closer I get to making it happen the less desirable it is for me.

SO I am off to another city, and another few nights in a hotel alone…. I have the perfect scenario to get into trouble but no desire to do it

My Secret

My other half has become a bit of blog star by asking fellow adulteress to share their secret.

My secret, I can not get enough sex…I want it two or three times a day. I could have sex with her all the time until we are tired out, exhausted, and sore. And she dose not need sex….with me.

My secret is that I am empowered by my freedom to have random sex with people anytime I want.

My challenge is that I don’t know how to pick up any longer….. I had a hotel room for a week and made myself available online and in person to women young and old and was not able (or did not want to) close the deal with anyone.

I am successful, hansom, intelligent, flirty, funny, and not afraid to have fun on the dance floor or the club.

I have no problem talking to women (any and all women) but I am the friend, the confidant, the nice guy.

I just don’t know what to do with them after I talk to them

Check list

The other day I met someone, she was nice, her personal situation made her available, she was attractive, she was intelligent enough for me to find conversation engaging, I think she would not be apposed to being with a married man…..Yes, it is a check list. A long list of criteria I have when I meet someone I check to see if they are worthy of my limited time to try and seduce.

I was never the boy friend but I was the nice guy who could talk with your friends, your parents, your boyfriend (yes I was the “other man” many a time) in a non threatening yet engaging way… then go off and have some fun with.

And that is my challenge now… I no longer am that guy… I have responsibilities - the type of responsibilities that the women who are single wants to have and are looking for a man to have them with. I am no longer the good guy who you can be with when convenient BECAUSE being with me means you are not a good girl (according to the moral code our society is so quick to place on out of wedlock intercourse).

So I look for people in my situation, people who have check marks next to each of the fake criteria on my list above: people who are in relationships, people who have just come out of a relationship and understand just how complicated they are, women who want something extra, something different, something outside of their daily lives….something like me.

But when I go on line it is all so mercenary…. If I want to be mercenary should I just pay one? No….. I am not that guy but I now have a greater understand who he is. (check out www.pervinto.blogspot.com)

But how do you communicate that you are a “good time guy” to a women if you are trying to get them do to something that “good” people don’t do?