Your Inerrant Husband

Numb

2009-04-15T01:57:00.002-04:00

That is how I feel most days

Numb nothing turns my crank, nothing pisses me off

Nothing affects me. Nothing motivates me.

I do things because I know they must be done.

I do them well because I know I must.

That being said a few snapshots into my live this past week

Without going all Sci-Fi in this post an old star trek movie was on TV the other night and I watched a bit of my youth pass before my eyes as I viewed a 20 year old movie for the first time 15 years. With the old age (and not watching the movie messed up with friends) I saw the characters for what they were – representions of the various aspects of who we are. Our fears, our strengths, our flaws, our humanity.

What star trek character are you? Spock? Kurt? Or are you someone more fun like Bones, Scotty, or are you from the new show and are more complex?

I want to be the captain (either one – new or old star trek) – full of passion, confidence – I like to hope I once was like that. But now I think I am more like Spock then any of them and that disappoints me.

I want to be more then what I am…. Logic is an effective way to live ones life but were is the fun in being effective? Where is the fun in being average? Where is the fun in living when you are not fully experiencing things.

But here is the thing - I am surrounded with opportunities to truly experience the more interesting things but they don’t interest me. they don’t motivate me.

I want to move, I want to see new things, I want try new things, I want my life to be full of fun and exciting stories to share.

I want to be the captian

I dont want to be numb

HNT- don’t know what it is? google it.

2009-04-03T01:21:00.002-04:00

HNT, if you don’t know what it is google it.

to all the other HNTers, I have been looking at your photos w/ envy…. your courage to expose yourself is inspiring (and a little terrifying).

reading ELLE’s blog post (www.kinkunleashed.com) about not bringing a computer somewhere for fear of others learning what she does for fun…. that fear of being found out…. that anxiety of leading a double life… what you (we) do… is it normal or have we just found a cyber support group?

she loves the attention it brings, she is motivated by the attention, she is empowered by the attention, she is addicted to the attention that comes from people, other people, strange people, ammoniums people telling her that she is attractive, sexy, hot.
the life style I enjoy, but this exhibitionism? i don’t understand it

Poker

2009-03-26T21:55:00.004-04:00

everyone is doing it

or so i find as i read the world of aduterer blogs.

if everyone esle is so ready to do this.... risk so much for the feel of a new body next to theirs... put all that they have on the table as they play poker... why am i not stiting at the table...why are my cards not in the game....

I have been invited to the table but never paid the anti....
I have been handed a pack of cards and told to find a game and start playing with out any high stakes...
And yet I do not pick up the cards. I know where the games are played I just have no interest in playing with the people at the table.

The reality is I much rather watch late nite poker on tv/web then find a local game to join in on.

Yet so many people I know are playing local poker..... why cant I.

Is this sustainable?

2009-03-24T23:13:00.001-04:00

It is official, I am not an adulterer.

Not from lack of trying….. I made it my challenge to see if I could use this past weekend in a hotel as a personal test of my will and desire to fuck others.

I can blame the situation, I can blame the people I was with, I can blame everyone and everything else but the reality is that I was alone, in a big city with a nice hotel room and the flexibility to go out and look for trouble.

If I wanted it I could have found it…. But instead I did some half ass attempts and did not do anything worth writing about.

She was also out this weekend, and she did not do anything (well she did have more fun and does have some good stories to read) but only out of respect for me.

Another night in a Hotel alone

2009-03-19T00:54:00.000-04:00

With all the travel of late I have been trying to explore the swinger life style… but man it is just not appealing.

CL and the other websites are just not doing it for me…. I write to these women (I hope they are women) and get a few replies that are not fake or sp’s looking for work.

But it is all just so desperate and unappealing.

I read these peoples emails to me and I have no motivation to write back to them

This is just not for me…. it am all talk
“ yes I want to have an open relationship”
“ it dose not bother me that you are sleeping with others”
“ I hope to sleep with someone else soon.”

All BS lines I tell myself to justify our situation.

I want to want to have sex with other people but the closer I get to making it happen the less desirable it is for me.

SO I am off to another city, and another few nights in a hotel alone…. I have the perfect scenario to get into trouble but no desire to do it

My Secret

2009-03-12T22:41:00.001-04:00

My other half has become a bit of blog star by asking fellow adulteress to share their secret.

My secret, I can not get enough sex…I want it two or three times a day. I could have sex with her all the time until we are tired out, exhausted, and sore. And she dose not need sex….with me.

My secret is that I am empowered by my freedom to have random sex with people anytime I want.

My challenge is that I don’t know how to pick up any longer….. I had a hotel room for a week and made myself available online and in person to women young and old and was not able (or did not want to) close the deal with anyone.

I am successful, hansom, intelligent, flirty, funny, and not afraid to have fun on the dance floor or the club.

I have no problem talking to women (any and all women) but I am the friend, the confidant, the nice guy.

I just don’t know what to do with them after I talk to them

Check list

2009-03-01T23:49:00.003-05:00

The other day I met someone, she was nice, her personal situation made her available, she was attractive, she was intelligent enough for me to find conversation engaging, I think she would not be apposed to being with a married man…..Yes, it is a check list. A long list of criteria I have when I meet someone I check to see if they are worthy of my limited time to try and seduce.

I was never the boy friend but I was the nice guy who could talk with your friends, your parents, your boyfriend (yes I was the “other man” many a time) in a non threatening yet engaging way… then go off and have some fun with.

And that is my challenge now… I no longer am that guy… I have responsibilities - the type of responsibilities that the women who are single wants to have and are looking for a man to have them with. I am no longer the good guy who you can be with when convenient BECAUSE being with me means you are not a good girl (according to the moral code our society is so quick to place on out of wedlock intercourse).

So I look for people in my situation, people who have check marks next to each of the fake criteria on my list above: people who are in relationships, people who have just come out of a relationship and understand just how complicated they are, women who want something extra, something different, something outside of their daily lives….something like me.

But when I go on line it is all so mercenary…. If I want to be mercenary should I just pay one? No….. I am not that guy but I now have a greater understand who he is. (check out www.pervinto.blogspot.com)

But how do you communicate that you are a “good time guy” to a women if you are trying to get them do to something that “good” people don’t do?

She gets into my head

2009-02-26T03:53:00.000-05:00

I lay in bed trying not to think about us, about her, about what she wants to do, and how I feel about it.

A barometer for my life is what keeps me up…. It used to be work and that was easier to deal with because when you have insomnia you can still get work done… your insomnia has a purpose.

Now it is her, us, and me. And insomnia only adds to the problem because you spend your nights playing scenarios in you head about the path not taken, the could’a / should’a moments of life, and what type of future I /we / she wants and are they compatible.

So now I am tired, unsure about my relationship, and upset with myself that I not have a good day at work tomorrow even though it is busy day.

It is not her actions, it is her behaviour and attitude that keep me up.

She is errant

2009-02-26T00:25:00.002-05:00

Not tonight, but not from lack trying.

I am not errant, I think I want to be but I am not doing a lot about it.

She goes out for drinks with ex lovers and comes home and complains that she can not sleep with them because I will be upset

I half ass try to pick up women but the ones I can get with minimal effort are all so desperate that I am turned off. And I dont have the time or desire to put more effort into it.

And the ones that I would like to sleep with wont because I am married and they want to be – so they will not touch me.

Why dose she want to take her pants off with everyone?

Why do I not embrace this freedom more?

FUCK I NEED TO GROW A PAIR

yourerrantwife

2009-02-19T22:56:00.000-05:00

It has been a very long time since I posted here. There have been a number of times I have wanted to post, but if you want to know what has been happening check out her blog

As you read those posts you may notice that there has been little about my exploits….. That is because there have not been any.

I have this freedom yet I don’t want to use it.

I have this wife, I am afraid to loose. Yet in my actions are doing more to drive her away. Ironically I think our relationship would be more stable / happier / healthier if I were to just go out and get some random ass this weekend.

Every guy would love to have this problem and I just don’t want it or care for it.

As I re-read the post form over a year ago I realize just how much I have not changed, but how much more resolve I have now.

I will make this work…… I just don’t know how…. Failure is not an option

Infidelity and hi fidelity relationships

2007-12-12T16:40:00.001-05:00

The High-quality reproduction of sound or images is what HI-FI used to mean in the pre digital era of music and pictures.

In a post infidelity relationship is that what we are left with? A high quality reproduction of the relationship that was once there?

I am repeatedly amazed how unfazed I am that my partner ran off to explore another person in the most carnal way.

The sexual exploits do not hurt – what they represent hurt.

So what to do now?

The thought of random hot sex with a stranger is very appealing. The thrill of the hunt, the exploration of someone new, the excitement of a new experience is intoxicating.

I now know that I could run off and have a physical affair if I wanted one at any time with little to no consequence at home. But is that what I want?

The idea is intoxicating. I just don’t have a lot of desire to act on it now.

There are people I would like to explore for a few hours one evening (or afternoon, or morning) but it would not be as random as I need.

And I am not into completely random acts of sex – it has never been my style.

So is my current relationship just a high quality image of what I once had? It is as if I was at the concert of a life time, but the concert is over and now I have a DVD, big screen tv and surround sound. I can feel the music, see the sights but it is not the same as the real thing

High fidelity or hi-fi reproduction is a term used by home stereo listeners and home audio enthusiasts (audiophiles) to refer to high-quality reproduction of sound or images that is very faithful to the original master recording.

in·fi·del·i·ty
1.
a. Unfaithfulness to a sexual partner, especially a spouse.
b. An act of sexual unfaithfulness.
2. Lack of fidelity or loyalty.

History or is that HIS STORY?

2007-12-04T16:34:00.000-05:00

The History of my name

Maxime - was the 23 most popular baby name in Quebec in 2005. I know that information is just amazing and you can’t wait to read the rest of this blog.

This will look like a cheesy corporate logo or "acronym" to show just great it is to keep working your hardest everyday:
Max I Me

I am in the process of re-evaluating everything in my life. For six year things just kept going gangbuster - everything was perfect, well as perfect as could be given the reality of life.

But then there was a big change at work. A change that still has repercussions.

Everything was so "perfect" that I did not stop to look around - I had one major challenge but everything else was under control.

I was so obsessed with solving that one challenge that I did not pay attention to any other issue.

Well now that one big challenge looks like a small issue giving the new reality I find myself in.

What the fuck

Have I let love slip from my grasp as I search for fulfillment at work?
What do we need to be happy? What do I need to be happy?

For the first time in 9 years when I look to the future I am not sure what it holds.

I know what I want it to hold, I know what it should hold, but for the first time in a very long time I am not sure that what I think and feel will become reality.

A few months back I realized my partner of over 10 years had had an affair. By the time I had piece it all together it was over.

I choose not to have a confrontation but rather to test my partner to see what they would choose:
1) me and the life we had created together
2) a new life without each other

I discovered that my partner was cyber dating (this does not bother me in any way - it is not real, it is fantasy, it is interactive porn) so I decided to try and seduce via a local “cyber date” service my partner.

This had many advantages
1) it meant that my partner was wasting time seducing me and not other people
2) allowed me to learn about their fantasies
3) empowered me with insight into what they were thinking
4) allowed me to know the honest answer to my original questions - are you in or are you out.

Well this went on for some time but before I was able to be truly re-assured about my partners intentions regarding our relationship she caught me.

Initially this was great - everything was out in the open. We loved each other; we each took responsibility for our past actions; we spoke and shared out thoughts and feelings in a way we had not in a long time (if ever). And everything was fine.

Was fine - after the euphoria us being able to talk about everything with our best friend, our lover, our partner the shine was worn off.

My partner now acts and speaks with such conviction about our commitment to each other. “if we can survive this then we can survive anything” I am told.

But as time goes on a growing feeling within me is eating away at how I feel.

I know we can be together for ever, I know that we can make it work, I want to believe that we have chosen to stay together, I need to believe that we love each other more then anything in the world.

And all those statements are true BUT, and there is always a BUT - I have never felt this bad. When I first realized that their had been an affair it really hurt - but as it had been in the past I knew that their was an opportunity to save the relationship.

I did not realize how much I was depending on my test to satisfy my concerns about our commitment to each other.

Well the “test” went unfinished as we confronted each other and lay our cards on the table.

My partner has done everything I have asked, and more, to demonstrate commitment and reassure me that our relationship is where we want to be.

But with each passing day I feel worse and worse. When we are not together I am angry, short tempers, bitter, lonely, unsocial, quite – not my normal personality.
When we are together I am looking for hidden meaning in every comment.
I want us to touch, hold, cuddle, be with each other more then I have wanted to in a very long time. But it takes so little for me to want to scream “FUCK OFF”.

I have never felt so confused, so unsure, so depressed.

Even after the initial shock of realizing that their had been an affair the cloak and bagger cyber hunt (test) was a fun game to play that I looked forward to each day.